I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
