Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
