The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize