I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
