he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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