Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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