Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
