i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
