i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
