my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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