Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
