He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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