you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
