Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
