If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
