and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
