I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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