My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
