I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize