You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
