insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize