my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
