nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
