haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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