come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
