I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
