I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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