i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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