ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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