I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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