someone owes me an orgasm
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sorry about my life...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
