dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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