Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize