No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
