there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize