He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You're a waste of cheezeits
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Drake has all the answers
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
