I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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