Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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