no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
a search helicopter?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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