We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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