You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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