Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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