I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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