Where is the hickey?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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