OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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