Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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