i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
