I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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