i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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