I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
