Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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