I got chris browned last night
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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