I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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