get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
