party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
