Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
